The Thin Bond of Hating Things Together

One day in college, I was sitting outside with some kids from one of my classes and just sort of listening to what people were talking about. No one really knew each other that well, so it was little more than small talk. I’m sure it had happened before, but this was the first time I consciously paid attention to the fact that the discussions were centered around things we all hated - a boring teacher, some annoying classmate, or our lame part-time jobs.

Since that day, now nearly 10 years ago, I have always been interested in and surprised by how often people attempt to begin relationships based on common hatreds. Perhaps hatred is the wrong word, because I don’t mean actual, pure hatred. I mean hate in the way we all saw, “I hate this.” “I hate this band, they suck.” “I hated this event/commercial/website/whatever.”

What we really mean when we say we hate something this way is, “I am part of the group that doesn’t like this.” Or, “I could have done it better.” It’s not so much hate as a an attempt to connect with people or a veiled promotion of the image we are attempting to present.

This behavior is even more prevalent on the internet. Go to your Twitter feed or a favorite blog and count how many times people you pay attention to say they hate something. When you read that, do you feel a small sense of camaraderie if you also hate that thing? Are you more likely to reply that you hate it too?

Whether we are intentional about it or not, we are relational creatures and we want to create bonds with people that we like and respect. In social settings, hating something together can feel like an easy way to start that relationship. The problem, though, is that relationships based on common hatreds, dislikes, or annoyances are not real relationships. They are, at most, thin bonds. And thin bonds don’t last.

Sharing things that you truly enjoy, are interested in, or have been a part of creating tells people something true about you. Merely critiquing the work of others only shows your worst side and is most likely not an accurate representation of you anyway.

Strong bonds are only created through time and shared experiences and interests. Hating things together often feels like a short cut to these real relationships, but all it really does is distract us from the strong bonds we could be creating.